Hubeeert - 21-02-2006, 14:53 Temat postu: Jokes :D One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies. "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I have not even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left. Moral of this story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think!!!!!! 
a horny husband and wife are happy married. the husband has to go on a buisness meeting. but he's scared that his misses is gonna cheat on him because hes going for about a month. he goes to his local sex shop. looks at all the dildos, vibrators and anything else that can please a women. scratching his head walks over to the shop assistant and says "im looking for something special for the wife while im away?" the shop assistant pulls out a wooden box, says to the man "i've got the perfect thing, its a voodoo dildo." opening the box reveals a dildo and a riped piece of paper with writing on. "ill show u a demonstration. voodoo dildo in key hole" the dildo floats across the room and starts to hump the key hole in the door. the husband is amazed and says ill take it. the shop assistant says "voodoo dildo back in box" and it floats back across the room back in the box. later that day the husbands back at home, just about to set off on his travels. says to his wife "i love u but i know u so if u think of cheating just open the box" passing the box then leaves. acouple of day later the wife is so horny . she is even thinking of cheating with the milk man. she thinks to her self NO im staying faithful. opens the box and see's the dildo and the riped piece of paper which reads voodoo dildo then a ? and thats it. so she says out load "voodoo dildo in my pussy". it starts giving her the best orgasams she has ever had, then another and another. it starts to hurt now so trys to pulling it out. wont come out. trys pliers still wont come out so she thinks im gonna have to go to the hospital. gets in the car starts driving has another orgasam. swerving all over the road. a copper pulls her over walks over to the car and says to the lady, "will u step in the back of the squad car." she does and has another orgasam wobbling all over. the copper says" right im gonna give u a breathe test because i think u have been drinking." she accepts and gives the breathe test. comes back negatve. the copper says "so y were u swerving all over the road." the wife replies "ur not oing to believe me but, ive got a voodoo dildo in may pussy" the copper says" voodoo dildo my arse! 
jawlo - 23-02-2006, 19:54 An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day" The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?" The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!" Two blondes were driving down the road. The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.'' One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother." 
Anonymous - 24-02-2006, 22:56 Old lady comes to the doctor. What are you? - ask the doctor. Krawcowa - lady na to. 
Hubeeert - 24-03-2006, 13:59 Men vs Women: Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment. Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute. Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? A: The sex is the same but you get the remote. Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? A: Marriage. Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong? A: Made her chain too long. Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain. Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A. Through his chest with a sharp knife. Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike? A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled. Q. Why are men like public toilets? A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are fullof crap. Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common? A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life. Q: What is the difference between a man and a catfish? A: One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair? A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud. Q: Why do men want to marry virgins? A: They can't stand criticism. Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends. Q: What is a man's view of safe sex? A: A padded headboard. Q: How do men sort their laundry? A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable" Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm? A: Because men fake foreplay. Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths? A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting. Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody. Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy? A: Two mothers-in-law. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Bumperstickers.... Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS? If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest? You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date! My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom Grow your own dope, plant a man Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes. Hang up and drive. If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down, on a Jeep) Please tell your pants it's not polite to point. GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings" Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends Boldly going nowhere Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself. The proctologist called, they found your head. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. Just because your head is pointed, doesn't mean you're sharp. Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive? Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me." Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. Anonymous - 25-04-2006, 12:23 Driving Test Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't get my license plate number! Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying: "Guns don't kill people. I do! Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom. Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your Car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Being too drunk to find your keys. Q: What problem would you face if arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd lose my buzz. Q: How would it change your life if you had your license suspended or revoked? A: I'd have to drive illegally. Q: What is the most important thing to remember when passing or being passed? A: If the driver is cute, make eye contact and wave "hello". Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. [ Dodano: 25-04-2006, 13:25 ] You Are What You Drive Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars. Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars. Acura NSX - I'm impotent. Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires. Buick Park Avenue - I'm older than 34 of the 50 states. Cadillac Eldorado - I'm a pimp. Cadillac Seville - I'm a very good Mary Kay salesman. Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people. Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette. Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis. Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government. Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather. Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well. Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower. Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car. Dodge Dakota - I've always wanted a womans pickup truck. Ferrari Testarossa - I'm known to prematurely ejaculate. Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart). Ford Mustang Cobra - I slow down to 85 in school zones. Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them. Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall. Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall. Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all. Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit. Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming. Infiniti Q45 - I'm a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending. Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports. Jaguar XJ6 - I'm so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year. Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp. Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle. Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers. Lincoln Navigator - I love scaring the crap out of the guy who is driving a civic. Mercury Grand Marquis - I'm an AARP member and need my social security for the car payment. Mercedes 500SL - I can go 0-60 in about 6 seconds if the car doesnt fall apart at 50. Mercedes 560SEL - I'm dating a mechanic. Mercedes ML320 - I'm a badass soccer mom. Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler. MGB - I'm dating a midget. Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either. Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings. Nissan Maxima - I couldn't afford an Infiniti. Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts. Oldsmobille Bravada - I laugh in the face of the guy who's driving a Blazer. Peugeot 505 Diesel - I'm on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List. Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena. Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock. Pontiac GTO - Gas, Tires, & Orgasms. Pontiac Aztek - Too easy. Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie. Porsche 944 - I'm dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me. Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal. Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic). Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu. Toyota Camry - I'm still in the closet. Toyota Land Cruiser- I would go off road if I could. Volkswagen Cabriolet - I'm out of the closet. Volkswagen Microbus - I'm trippin right now. Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns. Volvo 740 Wagon - I'm very frightened of my wife Anonymous - 05-07-2006, 15:21 Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear." The second nurse said, "I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees." The third nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer." The fourth nurse fainted. [ Dodano: 05-07-2006, 15:31 ] A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" [ Dodano: 05-07-2006, 15:45 ] Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" [ Dodano: 05-07-2006, 16:01 ] Q. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice? A. Beacause it said "concentrate!" In Florida there was a swimming contest. The contestants were a brunette-Mindy, a redhead-Cindy, and a blonde-Sandy. The second race was the Breast Stroke ...the order of finish was: The brunette came in first, the redhead second, ... "but wait", where was the blonde??? She was still racing! When she got to the finish line ...she said " THEY CHEATED!!" The Judge said "how??" The dumb blonde screamed ..."THEY USED THEIR ARMS!" Anonymous - 09-07-2006, 19:10 MITSUBISHI Manufactured In Taiwan Sold Under British Influence Shipped Here Incomplete Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents (Courtesy James Bragg, FightingChance.com) May Involve Turbos, Suck Unless Boost Is Seriously High Inside Men In Tight Spots Uttering Bulls__t In Sexual Harassment Investigation Kia Keep It Away! Kick It's Ass Korean Imitation Accord Korea's Imported Accident Killer's Imported Asset Kiss It Away Killed In Action Keep Inside Asia Korea Invades America KOREAN INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT Killer Implosion Awaits Killed In Accident 
jawlo - 31-10-2006, 19:10 Sex in the Dark There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
kordiank2 - 02-12-2006, 00:44 something shorter: Q: what's the time? A: It's two to two... Q: wow in my watch is two to two too TommiCrazy - 07-01-2007, 00:50 How to make a tost when U are in the pure jungle and U have only one piece of bread .........? -Put the bread under the gorilla always when i hear this joke in UK , british people laugh very loud, when you trying to translat this into polish then we loosing sens of this humor ....even when I know why they're laughing [ Dodano: 07-01-2007, 01:36 ] Ten things men know about women 1.they have a vaginal opening 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. oh and tits Juiceman - 20-01-2007, 23:26 English jokes heh A man comes into a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bar keeper brings him his beer. After he has drunk it, he grabs in his bag and puts a small piano on the bar, grabs in his bag and puts a small chair on the bar and grabs a third time in his bag and sits down a small man on that chair. And the small man plays piano very well, a the most beatyful music they've ever heared. After he's finished, everyone applauds. And the bar keeper asks the man: "Where do you have it from? It's so wonderful." And the man said: "I own an dgini-lamp. And so I got this by a wish of mine. Hey," he said to the bar keeper, "do you have a wish? You can wish you everything!" "Me?", the bar keeper asks. "I have a wish for free? Coo-ool." Ok, no sooner said than done, the man grabs in his bag and gets out from it the meant lamp. He rubs at the side of the lamp and the dgini appeares: "Ok, budy. You have one wish for free." And the bar keeper says: "I wanna have one million dollars!" The dgini snap one's fingers and disapperes, and all over the bottom are dugs. Small, yellow cackling dugs. And the bar keeper said to the man: "But I wanna have dollars, not dugs." And the man: "Do you really think, I've asked for a 12 inches pianist?" ***************************** George was 29 and still single. All of his friends were married, but George just dated and dated. One day Bill asked him why he wasn't married. "Don't you want to settle down? Are you holding out for the perfect woman? Are you having trouble meeting someone compatible?" "Actually," George replied, "I've found many women I would have been happy to marry. Things always start off fine, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother never approves of them." Bill thinks for a moment. "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mom!" A few months later Bill ran into George again. George looked a little depressed so Bill asked how things were going. "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother approve?" George shrugged his shoulders. "Yes, I found the perfect girl. Yes she was just like my mom. Yes, you were right, not only did my mom approve, but they became good friends." "What's the problem?" asked Bill. "My father can't stand her." ************************ After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." So the clerk handed him a mirror. swees - 11-10-2007, 17:58 An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It is the first time they have flown together and it is obvious by the silence that they do not get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: - I do not like Chinese. The First Officer replies: - Oooooh, no likee Chinese? Why dat? - You bombed Pearl harbor. That is why I do not like Chinese. - Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese. - Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese...it does not matter, they are all alike. Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer says: - No likee Jew. - Why not? Why do not you like Jews? - Jews sink Titanic. - No, no. The Jews did not sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg. - Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same. Anonymous - 18-06-2008, 11:55 door knocking at the midnight. guy opens the door and see noone and closes the door. 1 second later he hears knoking again. He's angry now, opens the door and screem: Is this a joke?, and then he looks down and see a small, very small death with a scythe. He looks at death, death looks at him - full confusion, and suddenly death says: Dont worry, I'am looking for a hamster... nuke - 02-09-2009, 01:56 What's the diffrence between making love in indian canoe and drinking american  beer
. . . . . there is no diffrence at all ---> fu****** close to water
Jassmina - 16-09-2009, 11:51 3 men (a Belgian, a German and a French) have an audition for a new job in England. The interviewer tells them: "OK, you'll have to formulate a sentence with the 3 words - green, pink and yellow." First, the Belgian says : "I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the Pink Panther on TV". Then, the German : "I wake up in the morning, I see the yellow sun, the green grass and I think to myself: I hope it will be a pink day". And the French : "I wake up in ze morning, I hear ze phone: green... green... green... I pink up ze phone and I say "Yellow?" |
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